One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork.
The worst gift that I ever gave a girl was a suitcase for Christmas. As in, 'I can't think of anything to give you, but here's a new suitcase.' Afterward, I was like, 'What were you thinking, idiot?'
Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The idea is to fall and miss the ground.
A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1979)
He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Daddy warned me about men and alcohol. But he never warned me about women and cocaine.
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
STREETS FULL OF WATER. PLEASE ADVISE.
US humorist on arriving in Venice
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times.
How It Happened
I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
Opera is where a gut gets stabbed in the back, and, instead of dying, he sings.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn`t mean the circus has left town.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.
To punish me for my contempt of authority, Fate has made me an authority myself.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
All work and no play makes jack. With enough jack, Jack needn’t be a dull boy.
I improve on misquotation.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
I would not want to live in a country that would have me as a leader in any sort of political bent.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Dogs come when they’re called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints; The sinners are much more fun
Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it.
The difficulty lies not so much in developing new ideas as in escaping from old ones.
Education is a crutch with which the foolish attack the wise to prove that they are not idiots.
Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses'
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, “Toys not included.”
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.
I would not know what the spirit of a philosopher might wish more to be than a good dancer.
The Gay Science
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they’ve given up on you.
The Last Lecture
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
If money does not make you happy; give it back.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Any idiot can get on a treadmill and watch TV and then take great pride in the fact they've 'exercized.
Because people have no thoughts to deal in, they deal cards, and try and win one another’s money. Idiots!
Parerga and Paralipomena (1851)
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
King Henry VI Part 2.
You know it's funny, when it rains it pours. They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor.
I get to go to a lot of famous places, like Canada.
Jews don’t proselytize. But if Woods did convert to Judaism, he would immediately become the best athlete we’ve ever had.
I believe in the Golden Rule - The Man with the Gold.. rules.
If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.
A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
I gotta wear dese [boxers] during my shows cause if I just wear regular briefs, they get stretched out.
When I'm good, I'm very very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.
The Critic as Artist, 1891
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
The solution of the problem of life is seen in the vanishing of the problem
I'm not going to short change myself ever again.
Monsters vs. Aliens, movie. Susan Murphy, Ginormica.
General. Do something violent.
Monsters vs. Aliens, movie. By President Hathaway.
This place is an X-File wrapped in a cover up and deep fried in a paranoid conspiracy.
Monsters vs. Aliens, movie. By General W. R. Monger.
I'm not a quack. I'm a mad scientist. There is a difference.
Monsters vs. Aliens (movie). By Dr. Cockroach.
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom
I'm accomplished. I'm funny. Can I have whatever I want?
House, Resignation. By Dr. Gregory House.
Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
House, Forever. By Dr. Gregory House.
Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.
Full Metal Jacket
As for now I'm skipper, and anybody who don't like it can get out and swim.
From movie Lifeboat
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.
I don't have a drinking problem I'm just really thristy.
Press any key to continue, where's the any key?
When you assume, you make an ass of you and me.