Jack Handey Quotes
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
Deeper Thoughts : All New, All Crispy (1993)
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.